Single Digits

Thank you for praying for me this past week. I have improved since being on the steroids. I have not had anymore migraines and the dizziness has subsided. I am still having difficulty with my left side and have since given into my stubbornness and now sometimes use a cane for balance. After treatment ends these other symptoms should improve within a couple of months. I am so thankful for all the help I've been given from family and friends as certain tasks are difficult to complete right now. I have 8 more radiation treatments to complete and I'm excited to be in the single digits of the countdown! My labs looked much better today. Last week my counts were low but have all gone up! This was encouraging and I'm thankful God continues to protect me. I have continued to lose weight but I have been able to eat better this week and hopefully will see some improvement there as well. As for my hair, I have been losing it gradually the past couple of weeks but only where the radiation is being done. The chemo that I am taking does not cause hair loss and so my hair doesn't look too bad. Allison, my sweet sister in law is going to give me a beautiful new cut when I am feeling up to it only this time she will not need to thin my usually very thick hair!

This weekend was wonderful! I was able to rest well and spend time with my family. I was able to find strength by appreciating the quiet moments of the weekend. Before I was diagnosed with cancer I was always busy and planning ahead. I would rush from one thing to the next and I always felt completely overwhelmed with all that I had to do. I felt like I was failing and sometimes I didn't want to face another day. I was not enjoying the life God had given to me. I have found in the past couple of months that I'm quiet and more aware of cherishing the time I am given. Our lives are a gift and everyday is full of things to be thankful for. I think now, I'm just more aware and I'm not taking the time I'm given for granted. I pay attention more to my family, my friends, and those around me. I take in the beauty of creation and I recognize God's power and find peace in His strength. We think we have so much time to do all that we have planned and that tomorrow will always be here but then we miss out on living for today. Everyday is full of uncertainty and if we focus on that we lose our peace. I'm learning to trust God moment by moment. He is the one who knows all things and can be trusted even in the darkest times of our lives. Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day he carries us in his arms. (Psalms 68:19 NLT)

Discouraged

I have been trying to write a post for several days now and I just couldn't complete it until now. Today, I completed my 21st day of treatment and I am scheduled for 12 more. I haven't been feeling well and the weekend was very difficult. I had a bad migraine and nausea. I was having trouble sleeping even though I am very tired and I was having trouble eating anything. I had made some improvement by Monday for treatment but I was still struggling. Yesterday, I met with my Doctor and he did prescribe steroids for me because my symptoms are worsening to the point where my left side is very numb and I am having difficulty with my balance, walking, and holding things. These worsening symptoms were not unexpected because the radiation causes the brain to swell. However, the steroids should help to manage my symptoms until I'm finished radiation and when the swelling goes down my symptoms should improve. I will be starting physical therapy within the next couple of weeks which should help strengthen my left side as well. Later in the day, I met with my nurse in Medical Oncology and because I hadn't been feeling well they gave me an IV with fluids and my first dose of steroids. I felt so much better after that and I was able to eat dinner and enjoy some time outside. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be at Johns Hopkins and for the staff who everyday are there to help me get well!

The past several days I lost my focus. Instead of focusing on God I was focusing on my circumstances which left me discouraged. When we are discouraged we are deprived of courage or confidence. We are disheartened. Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God! (Psalms 42:11 NLT) I can choose to praise Him and with that I am reminded of the many things to be thankful for.

This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I again ask God to help me through today. I'm thankful that he loves me and hears me and meets me right where I am. I find myself praying continually. Each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life. (Psalms 42:8 NLT)

God has been giving me comfort in so many ways. It has become increasingly difficult to not feel well for months but its also very hard being away from home and from Josh and the kids. I'm thankful for Face Time so at least I can see and talk to them everyday. I am thankful that through scripture, music, and all of you I receive comfort when I am struggling.. So many times I will receive a card or a message and I am reminded that we are not alone in this, so thank you for your prayers and encouragement!

I was listening to Spoken's new album and this song brought me so much comfort. Hearing Matt sing, brought back great memories of going to shows, hanging out with friends, and making middle of the night Sheetz runs. I honestly can't believe what we used to eat at 2 am! I was again reminded by these words that even though I am struggling, God is with me, He never leaves me and when I rest in His Presence, I find hope, I find peace, and I find the strength for another day.

Spoken - Calm the Storm Lyrics
Artist: Spoken
Album: Illusion

It's hard to believe so many years have passed
So many lessons heard and how some things never last

Holding on to dreams waiting for tomorrow to come
So many bridges were burn from all the things we can't outrun

All the pages you turned and how I never learned
Well I guess some things never last

Wipe away the tears and never let me go
Be the hope when the world is crushing down
Come wrap your arms around me
Calm the storm inside my heart
I need to feel you standing close to me
Be the hope when the world is crushing down
Come wrap your arms around me
Calm the storm inside my heart

I told you I would love you until the end of time
You are the hope I need when you're here by my side

All the pages you turned and how I never learned
Well I guess some things never last

Wipe away the tears and never let me go
Be the hope when the world is crushing down
Come wrap your arms around me
Calm the storm inside my heart
I need to feel you standing close to me
Be the hope when the world is crushing down
Come wrap your arms around me
Calm the storm inside my heart

Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never leave me here alone
Calm the storm inside my heart
Be the hope that I'll be waiting on

Wipe away the tears and never let me go
Be the hope when the world is crushing down
Come wrap your arms around me
Calm the storm inside my heart
I need to feel you standing close to me
Be the hope when the world is crushing down
Come wrap your arms around me
Calm

Easter

Who am I? I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. I am a sinner, forgiven, a precious Child of God.

For the first time in a long time, I have had a lot of time. I have had time to read God's Word, pray, and rest in the Lord's Presence without distractions. It is easy in life to lose sight of what is most important which is our relationship with God. However, He is right here waiting for us! This Easter, I have great hope because while my body is fighting for life, I know my soul is secure because of Jesus dying for me and my sins! He laid down His life for all of our sins. He loves us so much and because of His sacrifice I have life that cannot be taken away! I rest in the fact that there is more than life here on earth. We all have a choice to make. I chose a long time ago to ask for God's forgiveness and believe in Jesus but this trial has brought me closer to The Lord. When I first received my diagnosis I felt distant from God. I had been trying to do life on my own by living in my own strength. I was not putting God first and I was exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious, and uncertain. It doesn't matter how far we have pulled away or what we have done because Our Father is waiting for us. All we have to do is turn to Him and ask. I prayed that day for forgiveness for again trying to do life on my own. I was not putting God first. I prayed for God to use me during this time in my life. I prayed for His peace and His strength. That no matter what, I would honor Him and that if He chooses to do a miracle and heal me here on earth, that He will get the glory! In the end what matters most is our relationship with Him. Whether we choose to accept Him or reject Him.

I'm thankful for the promise of eternity in Heaven because God will wipe every tear from our eyes, that there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever! (Revelation 21:4) What comfort this gives! To know that life here is not all there is! Josh and I have experienced a lot of tears, sorrow, and pain over the years but there have also been days of laughter, joy, and hope. God has been with us through every trial and right now I know He is with us and we will trust Him!

Faith Brings Joy!

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God. (Romans 5:1-11 NLT)

Week 3

This week has been difficult and it is only Wednesday! Josh and I left Sunday night for Baltimore so we wouldn't have to travel in the snow. On Monday I had a long afternoon at the hospital but I was finally able to meet with my Medical Oncology nurse. My treatments were so late in the evenings when I first started that it created issues with my lab and nurse schedule but finally those issues have been resolved. My labs looked good again this week and everything is in the normal range. However, the machine went down again and I could not have my radiation treatment yesterday or today. They hope to have the repairs completed today and if so I will have treatment tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday. Josh and I came home last night but I haven't been feeling well. It is becoming increasingly difficult to travel. I have been nauseous and the numbness I have been experiencing has been worse this week. I was told that the third week of treatment is when it becomes more difficult and to expect my symptoms to worsen before they improve. I know God is in control. He knows what I need and I am resting in that. Thank you for praying because everyday I see God working, even in the smallest details.

Week 2: Snow, Sun, and Answered Prayer!

This week went well but to me it has felt more like two weeks instead of just one. Last Saturday, Lucas and Addisyn left for family vacation with Mappy, Pappy, and Mema. Every year the Youngbar family tries to go on vacation together and this trip was scheduled last summer after Kierstyn was born. Unfortunately, this year many of us were unable to go but I'm glad the kids could get away for a week of fun. It was sad for the kids and me to say goodbye. They have been away without us before but with everything going on, it made it more difficult. They had a great time and enjoyed the sunshine and flip flops! Now that they are home, Addy is disappointed that she has to wear shoes again.

On Monday, we had more snow which made me all the more envious of the pictures Deb (Mappy) sent of the kids in their bathing suits at the pool. The roads weren't too bad to travel to Baltimore and my friends, Robin and Bethany, were willing to take me. After leaving early and having a longer commute than usual, we arrived safely at Johns Hopkins. However, when we arrived, we were told the machine was down and I wasn't able to do my radiation treatment that evening. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with my dear friends, especially before Bethany left to go home to Tennessee.

On Tuesday, I was not feeling well and I ended the day with a migraine. Josh went with me and I am thankful that he takes such good care of me! It was the first follow up with my Radiation Oncologist since starting my treatments. Everything is going well and I did find out I will be having 33 radiation treatments and that I will make up the treatment I missed on Monday at the end. Also, my labs look great this week. The nurse told me that if anything is off with my labs, even a little, that it shows up yellow in the computer system. I had no yellow at all and she said that hardly ever happens! Praise God! I wasn't sure how my body would be affected by the Chemotherapy so after one week, I'm feeling encouraged by my results.

On Tuesday, we also were able to start staying in the apartment in Baltimore. It is absolutely beautiful and very close to the hospital. It helped to not have to travel every day and today I am not as tired as I have been. When we first met with Oncology at Johns Hopkins, they encouraged me to find housing in the city because as my treatment progresses, I will get more and more tired. There are housing options for cancer patients but there are waiting lists, costs involved, and my children would not be able to stay with me. I told Josh I would love to find a place that is private and a place where the kids could come and visit me. We were unsure of how this would be possible but we know Our God can do more than we can ask or imagine. He did just that and provided in an unexpected way, a two bedroom apartment, with plenty of room for the kids to be with me!

The most difficult part of the week was not being with my kids. I cried several times because I missed them so much! When I knew I was going to be away for days without seeing the kids I started filming them with my phone doing normal things around the house. Kierstyn trying to crawl, Addy playing tea party and dancing, Lucas building with Legos and helping his sisters. All these moments are part of our daily life but we don't think much of them at the time. One night I spent time watching them and they brought a smile to my face. I am excited the week is over and I am able to spend time with my family!

I'm thankful to have another week finished! There were times this week when I was sad but there were also times when I was excited! God is answering prayers and working in so many ways. I know that I have cancer but I have an even greater God! He is my Joy! I pray that God continues to get all the glory in this situation.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:20, 21 NIV)

Listen!

When we pray I know God hears us and He answers us! However, do we recognize His voice? Do we realize His answers and His work in our lives? More importantly, do we follow His direction and live obediently?

I like to feel like I am in control and many times I have made decisions based on what I think is best. Many times we make our own plans and expect what we plan to work out. After high school, I had made my plans. I was going to go to college, graduate with an Education degree, get married in my late 20's and have children in my 30's. However, shortly after making my plans, I really started asking God to show me the direction He wanted me to take. I listened and obeyed but then sometimes I regretted it because I wasn't living my plan. Looking back now I am thankful that I listened. God's plan took me down a completely different path. Even though I have had difficulties on that path there have been so many blessings too! God knew that at 32, I would be diagnosed with a brain tumor. God knew since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a wife, a mother, and a teacher. In May, Josh and I will be celebrating our 14th Wedding Anniversary! God has given me three beautiful children! Nine years ago today I became a mother when Lucas was born. I have had the privilege to teach by homeschooling our children and by teaching children and teens at church. How much I would have missed out on if I would have lived based on my own understanding. Today, I am focusing on one day at a time. I have no control over anything that is happening to me right now and I think that is a good place to be. I cannot run from this and I cannot hide from this. This is where I am right now and there is nothing I can do to change it. If I think ahead it is overwhelming. So I choose to focus on today and put my hope in The Lord. I don't know what God has planned for me but I do know that I can trust Him completely. He loves me, He created me, and I am His child! He is always working and even though I cannot see what lies ahead, God is already there.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. (Proverbs 3:5, 6 NLT)

Telling Our Children

It's hard and emotional to tell those you love that you have cancer. It is especially hard when it is your sweet, young children. We always want to protect our children from the harshness of life, but sometimes that harshness finds us and we have to find a way to talk to them about things we don't want to talk about.

Lucas and Addy knew that I was sick and that I was going to the hospital to see doctors who were going to help me. ​When we finally had the diagnosis, we knew the kids needed to know, but what do you say and how? Being honest with our children has always been important to us and we were advised that, in this situation, we needed to be completely honest and rely on our faith to help our children understand and find comfort.

We started by telling them how much we love them and that we needed to tell them why I am sick and what that means for our family. So you just have to find the strength to say the words, "I have cancer," and we explained what that meant. They both were relieved to know that it's not their fault and they did nothing to cause this and that it isn't contagious. We explained to them my treatment plan and how that would affect me and our family. We assured them that I was going to do everything I can to try and get well, but that sometimes when you get cancer you don't always get well. Those were the most difficult words I have ever had to say to anyone. ​Lucas knew what that meant, but didn't say anything at the time and Addy hugged me and then, looking at her, feet said, "Mama, are these my socks or yours?" We all laughed and I was thankful for Addy's sweet and funny personality. We talked about how, as a family, we need to be praying for God to heal me because the doctors do what they can to help me, but God is the one who heals.

Later that evening, Lucas came to me with questions and, as we talked, he encouraged me! He talked to me about Bethany Hamilton and how I could be like her because she should of died, but that God did a miracle. He then said that already God has been doing miracles for me! I was amazed at how calm he was as he spoke about the hope that he had. He then began to talk about Heaven and that was when I realized how much he understood from our conversation earlier. I hugged him for a long time and I cried with him and I told him I didn't want to leave him yet, but if I did go to Heaven I wouldn't be sick anymore and I wouldn't be sad. We talked about how awesome it would be to see Jesus and our loved ones and we talked about how I would get to meet our first baby. Lucas said that he would miss me, but that he knows that he would see me again someday! I shared with him some of the verses that had been encouraging me and he especially liked: "Commit everything you do to The Lord. Trust Him and He will help you. Be still in the presence of The Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act". -Psalm 37:5,7

Addy didn't say much about our conversation for a couple of weeks, but one night as I tucked her in she started to talk about me not being here and about me being in Heaven. She hugged me and we cried together and then she said, "Mommy, you know God made you and even before He made you He knew you and He knew every day." I said, "that's right, Addy, when did you learn that?" She said, " at church in Ms. Joy and Ms. Kathy's class" and then I remembered the three basic truths for her class: "God Made Me! God Loves Me! Jesus Wants to be my friend forever"!

I'm so thankful that even though my children are young, they know God and know His truth. I know that many of you have been praying for our children and, because of that, I know God has been giving them peace and comfort and that He is protecting them during this difficult time.

Kierstyn is our happy baby girl. She brings us smiles when there are tears. She comforts us often as she is untouched by the heartache we all feel at times and she is growing and learning more everyday. Her favorite words are "Hey" and "Dada". She is an encouragement to us because she is a reminder to our family that God hears our prayers and answers us in His time. Lucas and Addy prayed for so long for a little sister and she is a delight to us all!

Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."
-Matthew 19:14

First Week of Treatment

I have wanted to post all week about my treatments, but it has been a long and tiring week. The first day was difficult and it helped to know that so many of you were praying for me. Monday night I ended up with a bad migraine and nausea, but after resting Tuesday I felt much better before my second treatment. My treatments had been scheduled for 7 pm and I take my chemo capsules an hour before my radiation treatment. The radiation treatments take about 10 minutes and are not painful. The hardest part of radiation is wearing the mask that is bolted to the table so I cannot move my head. I have always been claustrophobic, but through God's peace I have been able to do the treatments without any issues. Thankfully, my labs have been good. I haven't had any bad side effects from my chemo and I really like the Oncology Staff at Johns Hopkins. Next week my treatment time will move to 3:15 pm which will be better for scheduling my labs and follow up appointments. The support we have received from all of you has been such an encouragement. Please know that even though I am not always able to personally respond to every message that your kind words and thoughtfulness help me through the difficult moments. One week down and five to go!