Perfect Peace

I find myself thinking about where the time has gone. The year is almost over and my original treatment plan is almost complete. Today I am scheduled for another MRI and  will meet with my oncologist. I have one more round of chemo scheduled next week and then I don't know what to expect. I assume we will be discussing where we go from here  at my appointment. 

Several years ago I really struggled with anxiety and depression. It effected every area of my life. I went to counseling because I was so fearful of life and every decision I made gave me anxiety. I was looking back at my journal from that time and I had written:  

My thoughts are overwhelming me and I don't know how to express the emotions  I'm feeling. I am starting to shut down and I am tired. I can't sleep and my anxiety has been flaring up. I feel like I am spinning out of control. Why can't I enjoy life and live wholeheartedly? Live with confidence and not fear? Live without regret and cherish the moments that soon will pass away? It's like I keep waiting for something so my life feels complete and so I can start living but that is a lie. I'm already living life but I feel like I'm missing it. I get so caught up in what was, what could have been, what will be, that I miss what is. I just want to cry but I can't. 

I read this and I thought about how much I relied on my own strength. I never really gave everything over to God, the only One who could deliver me from my hurt and my pain. The only One who could give me hope and purpose. At that time, I chose to not fully trust God and I held onto the things I felt the need to control. I'm thankful for God's love and grace considering I can be a terribly stubborn child. But I am His child and He will never leave me or give up on me. 

Cancer has brought me to a point in my life where I cannot control the outcome. I do want to be healed and I know God can take this from me.  Ultimately, I have no say with what lies ahead and I am at the point where I can only fully trust God and His plan. I can confidently say that I am not afraid of today or tomorrow. I can confidently say that God is with me and showing me how to live each day. 

Thank you for your prayers and support. I will write and give an update from my appointment as soon as possible. Have a beautiful and blessed day!

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! (Isaiah 26:3 NLT)

My Everything

I have been struggling physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Sometimes I feel like I cannot go on, my heart is breaking, and my faith is tested. We all face trials and times of pain. We are sometimes on a path that seems too difficult and we are afraid of what lies ahead. In times of weakness we have our doubts and we can feel like we are alone. However, we can take comfort in knowing that we are deeply loved by God, who knows and understands each one of us. He never leaves us and He is our strength. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. (Psalms 73:25, 26 NLT)

I'm so thankful that God loved us so much that He sent his Son to die for us and our sins. That because of Jesus' sacrifice, we have the hope of Heaven. I want my relationship with Jesus to be genuine and true. I want to be completely trusting and full of hope. The days have turned into weeks and weeks into months and I need His help to endure and to help me be patient as I wait and continue on. When I get distracted and don't keep my focus on The Lord but on my circumstances, I start doubting. I begin to doubt His power, His love, and His plan which then I begin to lose my hope. You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! (Isaiah 26:3 NLT) Through all of this God is continually teaching me and growing me. He knows my thoughts and he knows my heart. He loves me and listens to me. He continues to reveal himself to me and have compassion on me. Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. (Hebrews 10:23, 35, 36 NLT)

In July I completed my third cycle of chemo and I had a good week and didn't sleep as much as last time. I haven't been as tired and I have been gaining more strength.

I am certain that God is continuing to work in my life and that He cares for me. At night I don't always sleep well. However, during those times when it is quiet I read God's Word and I pray. I know so many of you are praying for me and I am so thankful for your prayers. Several weeks ago I could not sleep and so I prayed. Through the night I had the feeling of pins and needles on my left side. Even though I was in pain it was encouraging because I had more feeling in the morning on that side. I also was joyful because I was able to move my arm and all five of my fingers more easily because I had more feeling! I thanked God because He heard my prayers and He encouraged me by showing me He hears me and you and He is answering. Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God, and keep the vows you made to the Most High. Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory.” (Psalms 50:14, 15 NLT)

On Tuesday night I was getting a towel off the shelf for Lucas and I fainted. Thankfully, he had followed me into the bathroom and was standing behind me. Even being only nine years old he was able to keep me from falling backward and hitting my head. I woke up to him calmly asking me if I was okay and if he should go get his dad who was downstairs. My doctor does not think I had a seizure but it was because I was reaching over my head which caused dizziness. The next night Lucas came in to check on me after we had gone to bed. While we were talking he said to me "Mom, I really think God is going to heal you but that the tumor won't be gone tomorrow because God is not done using you yet." I told him I hadn't been writing as much lately and he asked me why. Why? I've asked myself the same question. In the beginning of all of this I just wanted God to use me but this isn't just about me. This is about all of us. We all face difficult times. We all at times experience a situation that crushes our spirit. I know for me without focusing on God I cannot go on day after day. I may not understand and I may not know where I am going but day after day he sustains me. When I first received my diagnosis I remember thinking without Jesus I would not have any hope in this situation. He is our hope and He is the one who loves us all and rescues us when we turn to Him and trust Him. 

Yesterday I went for my MRI and follow up appointment. Lucas was right that the tumor is not gone but my doctor did say that my scan looked good. The swelling has improved but there is still some swelling in a new area which is why they think I have been unable to completely taper off the steroids without experiencing migraines. Hopefully, the swelling will continue to improve over the next several weeks and I will be able to stop taking the steroids completely. The tumor does look slightly smaller and it also appears that it could be breaking apart more. Praise God because I had a positive report! Even though there are still not definite answers and I still continue to struggle physically, I am thankful that I am improving. I will begin my fourth cycle of chemo next week and I am halfway through my original treatment plan. I am scheduled to go back to John's Hopkins on October 17th for my next MRI and to meet with my doctor.

I want to encourage you that even though we struggle and sometimes feel like giving up, God does not give up on us. He is my everything! Unless the Lord had helped me, I would soon have settled in the silence of the grave. I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. (Psalms 94:17-19 NLT)

Hope

I wanted to give you an update from my appointment at Johns Hopkins yesterday and thank you for the prayers and encouragement. Our God hears us and we can give Him praise! The scans did show some improvement from last month where it looks like the swelling is going down and it also looks like the texture of the area is a little different which could indicate that the tumor is starting to break apart. Even though the scans are not clear enough to tell exactly what is the tumor and what isn't and don't give us definite answers, they still looked good for where I'm at after the radiation treatment. Therefore, I will continue with the original treatment plan of 6 months of chemo and MRI's every 2 months to check the progress. My chemo dose is going to increase again because my levels are good and I will start my next cycle the first week of July. I am also tapering down on my steroids and hopefully will be able to finish those without any negative side effects. Otherwise, the dosage will have to be adjusted and it will take a little longer to stop taking them. I am scheduled to go back for my next MRI on August 22nd and to meet with my doctor. Even though our current information is limited, it is still encouraging and we will continue to wait confidently in God and put our hope in Him. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NLT)

Every Detail

This past month has been about focusing on each day and small accomplishments. I have had days where I have had energy and there have been days where I am completely exhausted. There have been days where I think I can keep going and days where I don't know how I will. The first week of June I completed my first round of chemo. It did make me more tired and I had some nausea but it was manageable and I am thankful that it went as well as it did. I also have been going to occupational and physical therapy which has been challenging. I still have numbness and weakness on my left side and so my balance is still off and doing even simple things can be difficult but I'm seeing improvements. I have been able to tie my shoes again, fold laundry, make a meal by myself, and put on my kitchen gloves and get all my fingers in the right place. I'm also excited that I have been able to do Addy's hair and take care of Kierstyn more on my own. It has been the small things that I notice and that I'm thankful for. They are things that normally I wouldn't even think about but they are some of my accomplishments. It is definitely going to take time and I still have a lot to work on but this past week has been encouraging. I have been able to spend more time with family and friends and I have had several days where I felt well and was able to go through the day without needing to sleep. Tomorrow, I will be going to Johns Hopkins to have another MRI and to meet with my doctor to see if there has been any improvement since last months scans. I am so thankful for all the prayers and support that you have been giving me. Your messages of encouragement remind me that I am not alone in this and that we are loved and cared for by God and by each other. I have been praying constantly for God to protect my mind and my heart and that I will continue to trust Him with each day. I'm thankful for the strength He gives me in my weakness. I have been encouraged by the verse: The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. (Psalm 37:23 NLT). It gave me so much comfort to be reminded that He knows and cares about everything I am facing and He will show me the way if I stay close to Him.  He knows my pain, He knows my hopes, He knows every detail of today and tomorrow and I can trust Him and be thankful. 

I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever. (Psalms 16:7-9, 11 NLT)

Quietly Waiting

I have not had the words to write. I would begin and find myself quiet. The past couple of weeks have been a struggle and I have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I want to thank you for all of the encouragement and prayers that our family continues to receive. Daily, I am reminded of God's goodness and love through all of you. Your words and kindness are truly a blessing on the difficult days.

After radiation I began my taper of steroids and I seemed to do well at first but then about two weeks ago I began to struggle more with my daily activities and by that weekend I was unable to get out of bed and ended up calling the on call physician. My steroids were increased to get me through the weekend which helped with the symptoms I was experiencing but it took days for me to improve and feel rested. After talking with my nurses and doctor they decided to bring me in for my MRI last Wednesday. I know many of you were praying for me that day and I thank you. The MRI scans were discussed with us and were as expected. They looked worse due to the radiation treatment but will become my new baseline. The affected area on the scan was larger and at this point you cannot tell what is swelling, the tumor, or dead tissue. My steroids were adjusted again because of the scans and I'm back to my original dose but will taper more slowly. I will begin chemo again within the next week or so and this will be taken at home. My dose will be double what I was taking before and the main side effects are fatigue and nausea. I will take the chemo 5 days and then have 23 days off. That cycle continues for 6 months. I am scheduled for another MRI in one month to check the progress of the tumor and the swelling. I am trying to take one day at a time as my left side is still numb and limits my ability to do things. It is a struggle to do simple tasks which sometimes can become frustrating. I have started my occupational therapy which has been helpful but also has made me more aware of my weaknesses. I think the hardest part has been trying to find the balance of priorities for what I spend the energy I do have on. It is not possible for me to do everything I did before and I have to be realistic about what I am capable of doing.

There have been many times in my life where I am full of uncertainty. When I don't know the direction I need to go or what decisions to make. There have been times where the pain seems too great and I have no more strength. It is so easy to get caught up in life and in the things that don't really matter. Whether, they are things that have happened in the past, the details of the day, or thoughts of the future and what tomorrow may bring. In all of that thinking I lose sight of God and what He has already done for me and what He is doing now. There are times where I am completely depleted and I feel as though I have been cut back to where I can only grow and be shaped through my trials and suffering. This is definitely one of those times in my life. Throughout the past couple of weeks I have really been struggling. There are times where I just don't know what to do. In those times I seek and find comfort in God alone. Some nights are long and I lie awake reading God's word and praying but sometimes I don't even know what to pray but God knows my heart and He has always been there for me. O Lord, you alone are my hope. I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood. Yes, you have been with me from birth; from my mother’s womb you have cared for me. No wonder I am always praising you! (Psalms 71:5, 6 NLT). I am so thankful He cares for me. In all things He cares for me and He cares for you. I am so thankful for God's Word which I read and wait for Him to answer. I wait expectantly for Him to reveal to me what He wants me to know. Throughout my life I have found so much comfort, direction, and peace through reading the Bible because God speaks to us directly through it. In the past couple of months I have been overwhelmed with how God has spoken to me directly through His Word I just need to listen for His voice. Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge. (Psalms 62:5-8 NLT)

During the struggles we face God will give us what we need. We just need to ask and wait. It is impossible for us to go through the trials we face perfectly, always trusting, always confident, and always hopeful. That is what we want but it is a journey and we learn along the way. I'm so thankful that we can draw close to our loving God and find comfort. I'm thankful that He will not abandon us and will strengthen us in our weakness. He will give us what we need and during the quiet times we can wait expectantly and praise Him when He answers. Praise the Lord God, the God of Israel, who alone does such wonderful things. Praise his glorious name forever! Let the whole earth be filled with his glory. Amen and amen! (Psalms 72:18, 19 NLT)

Today I am so thankful to be celebrating fourteen years of marriage to Josh and to know through the past couple of months I have had the support of my husband, my best friend! He has been my constant and my shoulder to cry on. He has been by my side every step of the way. His example of faith has been encouraging to me and we have cried together, laughed together, and prayed together. We have had long and meaningful conversations together and we have had fun and silly ones too. We love doing ministry together and we have spent time serving together as God leads us. God knew that I needed Josh. He put us together and he knew everything we would face together. We committed our lives to each other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I was thinking about the song Micah, Curtis, and Tom performed at our wedding. The words are beautiful and I hope they encourage you!

Eternity by Brian Doerksen

I will be yours, you will be mine
Together in eternity
Our hearts of love will be entwined
Together in eternity
Forever in eternity

No more tears of pain in our eyes
No more fear or shame
For we will be with you
Yes, we will be with you

We will worship, we will worship you forever

Choose to Love

I have been home for two weeks and it has definitely been a challenge. When I was in Baltimore I was focused on treatment. There were no distractions and I was able to rest. Now that I am home it has been a struggle and my inadequacies are more apparent. My doctor prepared me for the challenges I would face. I am not able to do everything I normally would do in a day. I get tired easily and because of my numbness this creates issues with simple tasks. However, I am feeling stronger everyday and I am accomplishing goals but it takes more time and effort. I know that my life is different and it is going to take time to readjust but I am hopeful. I am trying to spend time with my family and focus on what is important for today.

I continue to be so encouraged by family, friends, our community, and even people I don't even know. It has been an overwhelming experience to be loved and served by so many. It is hard to describe but honestly it challenges me to meet others where they are and love and serve them as well. Now that I'm home it has made me realize how much time I used to spend rushing from one thing to the next and never really enjoying and appreciating the time I had to love and serve my family and others. Before I was diagnosed with cancer I was so focused on what I felt I needed to do and I was so busy doing it that I really wasn't living. The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). (John 10:10 AMP) I had allowed my life to get to the point where I was so focused on my circumstances that instead of living an abundant life I was left feeling inadequate and unproductive. This trial has brought a lot of good because it has forced me to look at life from a different perspective. It made me realize how much I have been blessed with and how much greater life is when my focus is fully on God rather than my circumstances. I had lost sight of what mattered most Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Matthew 22:37-39 NLT)

We are called to love and this week I have been reminded many times that my words and actions matter because they reflect my heart and I am to be a reflection of God's love. As I was saying goodnight to Addy the other night she asked me what love is and I smiled because it is what I had been thinking and writing about. I told her that we choose to love others and read to her:

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:1-13 NLT)

I have heard this and read this so many times but as I read it to her I realized how it's not just about now but eternity. Our faith and our hope will one day be fulfilled when we see God face to face and on that day our love for Him and others will be perfect and last forever! When we choose to love we are a showing others who Jesus is. That really challenges me to love as Jesus loves. So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” (John 13:34, 35 NLT)

As I have gone through these past two weeks at home I sometimes will have thoughts of how much time do I have and what more will I endure? Will I see my children grow? Will my husband have to go on without me and it breaks my heart. Yesterday, as I was thinking of it being Mothers Day I began to cry. I thought, is this the last one for me? I really don't know how much time I have but really that was always true. However, I can't let those thoughts consume me because then I can't enjoy the time I have. In those moments I can choose to have faith and hope in God and His plan. Most importantly, in those moments I can choose to love those around me and that love will last forever.

Welcome Home!

This past week has been full of reflection, anticipation, and joy! On Friday I completed my radiation treatments and first round of chemo. I am now home and I get to enjoy a four week break! I am scheduled to go back to Johns Hopkins at the end of May to have an MRI and to meet with my Medical Oncologist who will give us the results from my scans and discuss my treatment plan. I am to expect the next scan to look worse because of the irritation to my brain from the radiation. This scan will become my new baseline to compare my scans to. I am then to receive 5 days of chemo a month for 6 months which is in capsule form and can be done at home. I will go to Johns Hopkins every two months for an MRI and to meet with my doctor. Now that I'm home I will continue to have labs done here every week to manage my levels and will correspond with my nurse at Johns Hopkins on a weekly basis. I am doing well. I am tired and my left side is numb which makes things more difficult but that was to be expected and should improve over the next month or two. The support we have received from our family, friends, and community has been incredible. I am not always able to respond to each one of you personally but please know you have touched our lives and truly blessed us with your prayers, encouragement, and generosity.

On Friday when it was time to strike the bell to celebrate the end of radiation treatments I was surrounded by my family, the radiation team, and other patients and their families. I am so thankful for that moment. I will never forget it and I will never forget the people that I have met during my treatments. The other families I have met throughout the weeks have been a blessing to me. We all have our own journey but we are all connected by our pain and our struggles. As we shared our stories I found comfort in knowing someone else could relate to what I was experiencing. There are good days and bad days and some weeks you feel so worn that it helped to have others who could encourage you during the process. Some families finished before me and some continue on without me but each one of those families I will never forget. I think of and pray for them often and I hope for them to find peace and strength as they continue on their journey.

As I look back over the past several months I can attest to the fact that God who created the heavens and the earth, who gives us life each day, cares for each one of us in a real and personal way. The first day of this journey was filled with uncertainty. A simple MRI turned into a journey I never expected to take. As I waited in the hospital for hours and had many tests done the verse of the day from my Bible App gave me such peace. Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10 NLT) These words were what I needed to hear and have given me so much comfort on the difficult days.

The day Josh and I received my diagnosis we sat in the car and cried together. Your hopes, dreams, and life changes in an instant. There have been a lot of very difficult times for Josh and I over the years. We have struggled with the loss of our first baby, job loss and unemployment, financial issues where we had to sell our beautiful home and start over, and a time in our marriage where we no longer had a relationship and we were both living separate lives. This time in our life has given us time to look back at the many trials we've been through and see how God used all of them to strengthen our faith and draw Josh and I closer together. We can allow our pain and trials to hinder us or we can allow God to use our pain and our trials to shape us and teach us. I am so thankful that Josh and I went through those trials together. We did not give up on our God and refused to give up on each other because without those struggles, we would not be who we are now. As we drove home that first day we talked about how if we didn't have faith in God and His plan for us we wouldn't have any hope. We talked about how even now we would continue to look to God and seek and do His will in the midst of the uncertainty. I told Josh that I didn't want this to be about me but that I wanted God to use me, to do His will, with the time I am given. I wanted God to take my pain and use it for His glory! Through our darkest times there is always hope and I see so much good even in the midst of the bad. I see God continually working and it is comforting to know we can rest in His plan for us if we are willing to trust Him.

The night before my last treatment I was reminded of a dream that I had many years ago that left a lasting impression on me. I was standing in the middle of a crowded arena and I could see my family, friends, and many people I didn't know. I was calling out to a large group of people, feeling vulnerable and exposed, trying to share my heart. I felt like God wanted me to share about his extraordinary, unfailing love and faithfulness, but no one could hear me. I felt such desperation and sadness, lost in the noise and commotion with something I knew I was meant to share. At the end of the dream I cried out to God and pleaded for Him to help me because I knew he would comfort me in His presence. I share this with you because God is using my journey to share His love with others and to teach me to live each day resting in His presence. I have always struggled with fear but for the first time in my life the fear which would have crippled me has been replaced with courage, strength, and peace. I know this is because my perspective has changed and I am fully relying on God.

The first thing I did Friday morning was open the Bible App to read the verse of the day. "I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart." (Psalms 40:8 NLT) I thanked God for blessing me with His living and powerful Word. Josh and I cried as we read through the verses of Psalm 40 and I want to share them with you because they are our confirmation that God loves us so much:

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord. Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols. O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them. You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings. Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand — you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings. Then I said, “Look, I have come. As is written about me in the Scriptures: I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart.” I have told all your people about your justice. I have not been afraid to speak out, as you, O Lord, well know. I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart; I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power. I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness. Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me. Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me. For troubles surround me— too many to count! My sins pile up so high I can’t see my way out. They outnumber the hairs on my head. I have lost all courage. Please, Lord, rescue me! Come quickly, Lord, and help me. May those who try to destroy me be humiliated and put to shame. May those who take delight in my trouble be turned back in disgrace. Let them be horrified by their shame, for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!” But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you. May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!” As for me, since I am poor and needy, let the Lord keep me in his thoughts. You are my helper and my savior. O my God, do not delay. (Psalms 40:1-17 NLT)

Whether we choose to recognize and accept God or not does not change His love for us. He is constantly pursuing us, waiting for us, and wanting to embrace us when we call out to Him. Whether we recognize it or not our own individual stories are a part of something so much more than we can comprehend which is God's story and truth. My God, the One True God cares for me and He cares for you. He has heard my cries, He has seen my pain, He knows my heart, and He has filled me with joy! These past months have been difficult and I am worn but I know that I will never be the same because of this journey. I do not know the details of the plan God has for me and my family. There is still more to this journey but even in the midst of the uncertainty, I am certain of my Savior and my God. I will continue to trust completely in Him and I will give Him all the glory for His work.

As we came over the mountain I was overwhelmed with knowing we were almost home. The sky was absolutely beautiful and the closer we got the more excited I became. As I came up the sidewalk to my front door my beautiful sister, Kelly, had surprised me with garden planters filled with flowers, balloons, and a sign that said "Welcome Home". At that moment I was overcome with relief and joy and I stood there hugging my family with tears in my eyes. I had persevered through another part of the journey and now I can rest. Later, I thought about that moment from an eternal perspective. I do not know tomorrow and I do not know how long I have but I do know that My Savior and My God is waiting for me, to embrace me, and say "Welcome Home". Until that day I will continue to persevere and live with anticipation and joy! That is why we should never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NLT)

Last Week of Radiation Treatment

I had a great weekend resting at home with my family. I always feel stronger at home and I'm so thankful to be starting my last week of radiation today! It has been a challenging seven weeks and our family is looking forward to Friday, when I will be coming home and taking a break from all treatment for four weeks. I am at a loss for words to describe this part of the journey. At times, it has been overwhelming but we have been abundantly blessed in so many ways.

This weekend I've spent a lot of time with Lucas, listening to his fears, talking, and sharing with him what God is doing in my life. I have always struggled with peace and completely trusting God. When I think about the times over the years when the major trials would come, I would find myself completely surrendered and trusting because I knew God was my only hope. As time passed and the trials would end I would then begin to rely on my own strength and become comfortable enough not to seek God's presence everyday. I don't want to live that way ever again. This time has brought me so close to my Heavenly Father and I don't ever want to live outside of His peace and will again. He truly designed us to be in a close and personal relationship with Him!

Lucas asked me Saturday night what the peace God gave me is like and I tried to explain in words what I have experienced. Later that night these are the words God gave me and what I shared with my family in the morning.

Knowing peace:
I am calm - a stillness in Trusting Him, not a feeling but a Knowing of security
He is saying it is okay, everything will be okay - that still doesn't mean I know what the end of this journey looks like or what more I must endure but I know I am not alone. I feel surrounded by His presence and love. I rest in His promises. I cry out for mercy and healing because of His unfailing love. His Living Word which is treasured in my heart, reminds me of His promises, it comforts me, it gives me hope, and keeps me focused on the Truth.
Jesus, my Rock and my Redeemer Lives. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life!

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. My purpose in writing is to encourage you and assure you that what you are experiencing is truly part of God’s grace for you. Stand firm in this grace. (1 Peter 5:6, 7, 10, 12b NLT)

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:6-9 NLT)

One last thought:
Last night when talking in Josh and I's room, Lucas asked why it's the most comfortable room in the house? Why it's the so peaceful and calm, and helps him to rest. I asked him who gives him the most comfort? He said, "well, God". I said, "and who did God give you to take care of you" and he said, "my mom and dad". I thought about that and how that is who God is to us, our Heavenly Dad. The One to whom, when we are lost, afraid, and need that comfort and rest, He is right there waiting for us and wants to give it to us! I woke up to beautiful sunshine and on either side of me are my precious, sleeping children, sleeping so peacefully. What, a treasured moment! Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. (Psalms 127:3 NLT)

Have a beautiful and blessed week!