I find myself thinking about where the time has gone. The year is almost over and my original treatment plan is almost complete. Today I am scheduled for another MRI and will meet with my oncologist. I have one more round of chemo scheduled next week and then I don't know what to expect. I assume we will be discussing where we go from here at my appointment.
Several years ago I really struggled with anxiety and depression. It effected every area of my life. I went to counseling because I was so fearful of life and every decision I made gave me anxiety. I was looking back at my journal from that time and I had written:
My thoughts are overwhelming me and I don't know how to express the emotions I'm feeling. I am starting to shut down and I am tired. I can't sleep and my anxiety has been flaring up. I feel like I am spinning out of control. Why can't I enjoy life and live wholeheartedly? Live with confidence and not fear? Live without regret and cherish the moments that soon will pass away? It's like I keep waiting for something so my life feels complete and so I can start living but that is a lie. I'm already living life but I feel like I'm missing it. I get so caught up in what was, what could have been, what will be, that I miss what is. I just want to cry but I can't.
I read this and I thought about how much I relied on my own strength. I never really gave everything over to God, the only One who could deliver me from my hurt and my pain. The only One who could give me hope and purpose. At that time, I chose to not fully trust God and I held onto the things I felt the need to control. I'm thankful for God's love and grace considering I can be a terribly stubborn child. But I am His child and He will never leave me or give up on me.
Cancer has brought me to a point in my life where I cannot control the outcome. I do want to be healed and I know God can take this from me. Ultimately, I have no say with what lies ahead and I am at the point where I can only fully trust God and His plan. I can confidently say that I am not afraid of today or tomorrow. I can confidently say that God is with me and showing me how to live each day.
Thank you for your prayers and support. I will write and give an update from my appointment as soon as possible. Have a beautiful and blessed day!
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! (Isaiah 26:3 NLT)