I Want What You Want

We met with my Medical Oncologist on Thursday and started discussing where to go from here. There are several different treatment options available. However, decisions need to be made to determine the best way to move forward. He is going to discuss his thoughts with the board on Monday and then give us a call of when to come in for another MRI which will become my new baseline for treatment. Treatment options include, more chemo which would be an IV treatment because the oral Temodar was not as effective for me, radiation, and clinical trials. There is one clinical trial, that seems a good match for me but has not been opened yet. Therefore, all treatment options will be based off of timing and availability and how I respond to them. I did ask if it is worth the treatment to keep fighting or if I should just manage symptoms and enjoy the time I have left. My doctor did encourage me to be aggressive in treatment as I am young and in good health to fight. I can be given more time with effective treatment. 

From the very beginning Josh and I have known the prognosis of this cancer and that there is no cure. We have known that every cell must die or it will continue to grow. The initial goal was to fight it and try to kill it and give me more time.  We have known it can be very aggressive and we have known that for me to live a long life I need a miracle. Statistically, we have known from the beginning we haven't been looking at much time but we also know that statistics are just that. Ultimately, God decides when and how long I will live on this earth. He alone will decide when to call me home. He alone can deliver me from this and give me complete and undeniable healing. 

O Lord, if you heal me, I will be truly healed; if you save me, I will be truly saved. My praises are for you alone! (Jeremiah 17:14 NLT)

I still have hope in Him because I serve a powerful and mighty God! However, if He chooses not to heal me does that mean he doesn't care? No not at all! If I die does that mean we did not have enough faith? Absolutely not! Sometimes we ask God why do bad things happen? But we live in a world full of sin and death. We do not want to die but the longing to live forever can only be fulfilled through our death here on earth and receiving eternal life through Christ Jesus, our Lord. Our desire for life is not meant for this earth.

But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control. (Philippians 3:20, 21 NLT)

It has taken me an entire year to be able to say I have a terminal illness. Last year I was going through all the treatment knowing the magnitude of it all but now that we are starting over, Josh and I need to have the necessary decisions and documents written and signed. We have to make difficult decisions and prepare with the end of my life here in mind. The most difficult way for me to think of preparing is that it is possible that my kids will grow up without me. It is possible that my sweet Kierstyn will not even remember me. That my husband will eventually remarry and my children will have a new mother. It will fall on on those who know me now to help me be known and remembered by my children. This is hard to think of but it is something I do think about. That is when I cry. I know that even in this I can trust God because He loves them even more than I do. He has a perfect plan for all of us and we are willing to completely trust Him no matter what and even when we don't understand. From the beginning we have prayed we will do God's will. For God's Hand cannot be forced. His plans cannot be changed.

 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:1, 2 NLT)

So I need to think with an eternal perspective and I challenge you to do the same. Thinking with the end in mind makes you think about your life now. How will you choose to live and what will you do with the time you are given? I was recently challenged by this statement: 

God I want to want what you want more than what I want. 

I know that I can rely on Him and His strength to do this. I have made my decision to Follow Him and trust His will no matter what.  I'm thankful that He continues to grow and strengthen my faith through this situation. When our little faith and God's faithfulness comes together the result is real life.

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness. (Colossians 2:6, 7 NLT)