Going Home

If you are reading this, I am no longer with you.  

Since writing the last post I am now unable to get out of bed. This is my third week confined to a hospital bed completely relying on others for my daily needs.  I am supposed to be living each day…but I don’t know how to do that like this.  How can I? It makes me sad. But, I am promised many things and that gives me comfort and hope through this time in my life.

“As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless.  He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.  For who is God besides the Lord?  And who is the Rock except our God?  It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.”  Psalm 18:30-32

It is the little things that stand out in my mind now, all kinds of things that once seemed so insignificant.  Lots of memories, lots of little moments in my life come to mind. My goals have drastically changed from what I am physically able to do and what I want to do here while I spend my last days here on earth.

One goal is to finish my last blog. I had every intention of writing people.  Personal notes, things I wanted to say.  I found this very difficult to do. I have had so many things I want to say and I cannot find the words.  I know what is happening, I know that I am sick, my body, here on earth.  I wanted to lay in bed and cry some days, not wanting to get up… now I can’t get out of bed.  Then I wanted to be able to at least sit up, now I cannot. But, I know I will walk with Jesus soon.  I have seen Jesus holding my hand and me sitting with him, like a child.  I have pictured this image over and over again.

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14

I know that as time passes I will lose more and more of my consciousness.  I am at this point, able to recognize that I am losing awareness.  I have become more and more tired.  I know what is happening to me.  I know what is to come.  I know that I will sleep.  That I will go into a deeper and deeper sleep, a peaceful sleep, and I will be at rest.  This has brought me comfort knowing this is not all there is for me.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say again rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7

I know that the healing that I need is not here…and I am okay with that.   I know there are many moments I am going to miss, but, I know everything is going to be okay.   From the very beginning I was told by God, over and over, everything will be okay.  This has given me great peace on this difficult journey.  I still don’t always know what okay means yet…but that is okay.

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

What I want to say to my dear children, my husband, my family.  The closer they are I am finding it harder it is to say what I need to. What I want to say and feel and put it in words.  

I spend my time thinking about my children. I think about my children a lot.  The last few things I want to be a part of, and what I want to see.  It is these small things that make me feel whole.

To my children, to my husband, to my family-how much it hurts to say goodbye.

Time is something we easily take for granted.  I would have liked to be a part of so many little and big moments in the lives of my sweet children.  But, when all of these moments take place-when those days come, I don’t ever want them to be sad that I am not there.  I want them to know that I love them always.  I know I can’t be there and I have accepted this.  I don’t want this to take away from all of those special days. They know, and I know, I will see them again.

When it is time to say your final thoughts here on Earth,  I am having a hard time knowing exactly what I want to say now, how do I put into words how I feel inside.

What I have learned is, always celebrate this life.  Always remember that God knows what is best for you at all times.

I am not afraid.  Sad, yes. I am tired I am so weak. I know this is not the end. So many feelings.

I am here now, and I am peaceful. 

What I know that I am leaving behind.  How sad it will make some and that makes me sad.

I think about heaven.  What it is going to be like.  Who I am going to see, especially meeting my sweet baby, I have never met.  This brings me comfort.

“Don’t be afraid, for I will protect you. I will call you by name, you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1

I want everyone to remember the good times of course, when I was well.  But these times are just as important.  I want it to be a reminder to always grow and learn with Jesus by your side. And always… always…embrace life. 

“And we pray this in order that you may life a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the son he loves, in who we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:10-14


I need to get back to the hill...  I need to go home...