The past couple of weeks have been very difficult for me. I have been losing heart and I have not wanted to get out of bed. I have prayed that God would just bring me home. I'm tired and the days can be so long and painful. I seem to make a little progress and then something else happens. However, I know that I will continue to lose more. It has been draining dealing with appointments and planning for the end. Making decisions is emotionally exhausting but I want to finish this life well. However, I'm not sure how to do that. I know I can only take one day at a time and I need encouragement in that often. I received a card from my Nan-nan that had a similar comment about not failing in our last days here on earth. She gave me these verses:
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV)
It's hard when things change so drastically and you become dependent on others for everything. I don't know how to live like this. It's learning to live differently but still trying to live each day and find some joy in it. Lately, it has been hard for me to find that joy.
On Mother’s Day I went to church for the first time in my wheelchair. Walking and balance has become an issue. The teaching was about how we will suffer on this earth. However, God is in control, He will never stop loving us and he will be beside us every step of the way. It is not easy. Jesus' followers suffered greatly and we are not promised an easy life either. I don't understand why and I don't really need to.
When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. (Psalm 94:18, 19 NIV)