Discouraged
I have been trying to write a post for several days now and I just couldn't complete it until now. Today, I completed my 21st day of treatment and I am scheduled for 12 more. I haven't been feeling well and the weekend was very difficult. I had a bad migraine and nausea. I was having trouble sleeping even though I am very tired and I was having trouble eating anything. I had made some improvement by Monday for treatment but I was still struggling. Yesterday, I met with my Doctor and he did prescribe steroids for me because my symptoms are worsening to the point where my left side is very numb and I am having difficulty with my balance, walking, and holding things. These worsening symptoms were not unexpected because the radiation causes the brain to swell. However, the steroids should help to manage my symptoms until I'm finished radiation and when the swelling goes down my symptoms should improve. I will be starting physical therapy within the next couple of weeks which should help strengthen my left side as well. Later in the day, I met with my nurse in Medical Oncology and because I hadn't been feeling well they gave me an IV with fluids and my first dose of steroids. I felt so much better after that and I was able to eat dinner and enjoy some time outside. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be at Johns Hopkins and for the staff who everyday are there to help me get well!
The past several days I lost my focus. Instead of focusing on God I was focusing on my circumstances which left me discouraged. When we are discouraged we are deprived of courage or confidence. We are disheartened. Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God! (Psalms 42:11 NLT) I can choose to praise Him and with that I am reminded of the many things to be thankful for.
This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I again ask God to help me through today. I'm thankful that he loves me and hears me and meets me right where I am. I find myself praying continually. Each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life. (Psalms 42:8 NLT)
God has been giving me comfort in so many ways. It has become increasingly difficult to not feel well for months but its also very hard being away from home and from Josh and the kids. I'm thankful for Face Time so at least I can see and talk to them everyday. I am thankful that through scripture, music, and all of you I receive comfort when I am struggling.. So many times I will receive a card or a message and I am reminded that we are not alone in this, so thank you for your prayers and encouragement!
I was listening to Spoken's new album and this song brought me so much comfort. Hearing Matt sing, brought back great memories of going to shows, hanging out with friends, and making middle of the night Sheetz runs. I honestly can't believe what we used to eat at 2 am! I was again reminded by these words that even though I am struggling, God is with me, He never leaves me and when I rest in His Presence, I find hope, I find peace, and I find the strength for another day.
Spoken - Calm the Storm Lyrics
Artist: Spoken
Album: Illusion
It's hard to believe so many years have passed
So many lessons heard and how some things never last
Holding on to dreams waiting for tomorrow to come
So many bridges were burn from all the things we can't outrun
All the pages you turned and how I never learned
Well I guess some things never last
Wipe away the tears and never let me go
Be the hope when the world is crushing down
Come wrap your arms around me
Calm the storm inside my heart
I need to feel you standing close to me
Be the hope when the world is crushing down
Come wrap your arms around me
Calm the storm inside my heart
I told you I would love you until the end of time
You are the hope I need when you're here by my side
All the pages you turned and how I never learned
Well I guess some things never last
Wipe away the tears and never let me go
Be the hope when the world is crushing down
Come wrap your arms around me
Calm the storm inside my heart
I need to feel you standing close to me
Be the hope when the world is crushing down
Come wrap your arms around me
Calm the storm inside my heart
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never leave me here alone
Calm the storm inside my heart
Be the hope that I'll be waiting on
Wipe away the tears and never let me go
Be the hope when the world is crushing down
Come wrap your arms around me
Calm the storm inside my heart
I need to feel you standing close to me
Be the hope when the world is crushing down
Come wrap your arms around me
Calm