Addy's simple prayer, " God please, just take all this away from my Mommy." So many have been praying for us and for complete healing for me. I admit that I put God in a box. It is not that I don't believe he can give me complete and total healing because He has the power to do whatever he desires in His time and in His way but I also know He has a plan for each one of us and even though it is difficult I have to be willing to trust it and accept it. I miss the things in life that I used to resent after doing them day after day: running errands, cooking, cleaning, running up and down the stairs all day long, laundry. Really, the day to day things we take for granted so easily are what I miss the most. I miss the feeling on my left side, my energy, hiking, playing with the kids and taking them places alone. The simple things in life. Our time here is short and it is easy to be distracted by the things of this world. We think the more that we have and the more that we do that we will be satisfied. However, it is never enough. We feel empty. That longing and that emptiness can only be filled in Jesus Christ. He is the only way to find our purpose and be fulfilled.
As I type this, I see the dark bruises on my arms from my last treatment and they remind me the road is not always easy but because of Christ there is always hope. He can take us out of any circumstance and put us on a new path. At the beginning of all of this, I know God told me it's going to be okay. I don't know exactly what that means but I've held on to that promise. I will continue to wait and walk with confident hope. The waiting is difficult and I go back to Hopkins on April 10 for an MRI and treatment. Obviously, I do not know what to expect to hear but I refuse to worry about it. I do not know what the future holds but my Almighty God is already there and He knows what that day holds for me.
Today, I am thankful. I have seen some small improvements this week and I have received some amazing encouragement and support when I have been discouraged. The Lord uses His Word and His people in awesome ways every time I've needed it. Through this journey, I have had times of great pain, anguish, and despair but The Lord has never abandoned me. He is faithful in all things. If I say any one thing the most important thing is this: We all need to decide if we will accept and follow Jesus because in the end that is the only thing that matters. We will all come before God to be held accountable for our sins. Therefore, I will be bold for Christ for He is all that we need. I ask you to really consider what matters most and to really think about your life and what you believe.
I have told my kids that even if I die that I don't want that to hurt their faith but to know that they can trust God in all things. He loves them unconditionally. He loves all of us unconditionally or He wouldn't have sent His Son to die in our place. Jesus willingly paid the ultimate price for you. He had the power to come down off that cross but He didn't. He willingly died so you can live. He is waiting for you to let Him in. This week Addy drew a picture titled: "Dinner for Jesus", which included: Spaghetti, Mac & Cheese, Broccoli, Peas, an Apple, Krumpes Do- nuts, and Wine. She said she would be happy to be able to see Him and talk to Him in person. Then today, I read this verse:
“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends. (Revelation 3:20 NLT)
I remembered a picture from when I was a child of Jesus standing outside a door with no doorknob. He is patiently waiting, gently knocking on the door of your heart. You have to decide if you are willing to open the door and let Him in. It will change you. It is the most important decision you will ever make.
I have boldly come before The Lord asking for mercy and healing and if God chooses to restore my health here on earth, I pray that he gets all of the glory and that as a family we will wholeheartedly serve Him together as He leads us. We want to do His will and show His love to others. Recently, three words have been impressed upon my heart which are Thankfulness, Rejoice, and Restore. I can be thankful in all things. I can rejoice in The Lord always. He can restore me. I will hope in those words as I continue on this journey.