I hardly know what to write. My faith is being tested to the point that I have no words only tears. In the past couple of weeks I have struggled to the point where I am exhausted. I am so worn that I do not want to go on. I am torn between wanting to be here but also wanting all of this to end and just be home with The Lord.
A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else! I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in the homes of the wicked. (Psalms 84:10 NLT)
I long for The Lord's comfort but I'm struggling to find it. I feel so far from The Lord, even though I know He is there. He is constant and I am not. I do not understand but He does. Thankfully, he loves me and will not leave me even when my faith grows weak. I can rest knowing my life and eternity are secure because of Christ alone.
Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God. (Romans 5:1-11 NLT)
The longer the journey the more difficult it has become. I hope and pray that I have grown and that God will help me to endure what is to come.
I wrote the above before going to Hopkins on Thursday, where we learned that the treatment is not working. The tumor is still growing and so I did not receive a chemo treatment but instead switched to managing symptoms. I started a new IV medication which already seems to be helping me get through the days better and be able to enjoy the time I have. I don't know exactly what to expect in the coming months but we have talked with the kids and told them where we are at and to expect changes. We have been honest with them and answer their questions and try to calm their fears when they arise. They have always known that there is no cure for this.
I honestly, don't know how to do this everyday but I'm thankful for time where I am not tired and I can feel well enough to enjoy the hugs and time with my family. I am going to try to do what I can for as long as I can..The uncertainty is overwhelming. Please, continue to pray for strength, peace and direction as we continue on.
I am certain though that when this journey ends for me here on earth, I will truly be home with my Creator and my Savior and completely restored.I'm thankful for the forgiveness I have received through Christ or the uncertainty of what would await me when I die would be completely hopeless and full of fear.
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. (Colossians 2:6, 7 NIV)