Cast All My Cares

 We met with my surgeon on Thursday, February 6th, for my follow up appointment. I had my staples removed and I am recovering and healing well from the surgery. It was confirmed that the new enhancement in the area of concern is new tumor growth and is a Grade 4. We will go back to Johns Hopkins next Thursday, February 13th to meet with my Medical Oncologist to discuss my course of treatment. 

I am so thankful that God prepared me for this part of the journey. I am aware that He is with me and I'm staying close to Him. This past week, it has been impressed upon my heart that this road is going to be uncertain and long but I need to walk closely with Jesus. Hand in hand he will guide me along the path, up the steep cliffs to come. I am not afraid. However, it does make me sad to see those that I love the most, hurting so much. We are open and honest with each other and have been able to share our hearts and thoughts. We are supporting and loving each other as the uncertainty of it all waits before us. We stand firm to the promises that were given to me twice the night before my appointment (from our family devotional and from an email from someone I have never met). 

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! (Psalms 46:1-3 NLT)

We are all tired and it has been difficult to start over. You just want it all to end. However, we have not lost hope in knowing that Our God is so powerful and if it is His will for me and our family, He can take this from me in an instant and put us on a new path. He has a plan and we are trusting it, no matter where it leads or what the outcome. His ways are not our ways and sometimes we don't understand. Honestly, I don't need to understand and I don't need answers.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NLT) 

Therefore, I must simply trust my Creator. The one who completely knows and unconditionally loves me and my family. As we continue on I'm encouraged to remember that Jesus said: 

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NLT) 

We are weary and we are all carrying heavy burdens but I'm so thankful Jesus promises us rest. I will put my hope in that. 

This reminded me of one of my favorite songs  that I learned as a child and I taught it to the kids before bed.We laughed at my awful singing but the words are comforting and encouraging. They hold the promise of rest:

I cast all my cares upon you,
I lay all of my burdens,
Down at your feet,
And anytime
I don't know,
What to do,
I will cast all my cares upon you. 

Then Addy says with a smile and crinkled nose, "at His feet? That would be stinky." Lucas my serious one,  says,  "no Jesus is God, His feet wouldn't stink." Then we discussed whether or not Jesus had stinky feet and laughed together some more! I love how God brings joy and laughter into our home even on the most difficult days. 

Thank you everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers. Your encouraging messages, your generosity, your acts of kindness and love are blessing us and helping us through each day. Blessings to you all as you cast all your cares upon Him. 

Peace in His Presence

With this week, it is difficult to know where to begin.  My biopsy surgery went well and I am home and resting comfortably. I am thankful that I have not had too much pain and I'm getting the rest that I need. We do not have a lot of answers yet and we will follow up with my surgeon next Thursday, February 6th and will receive the official pathology reports and determine a course of treatment. Thank you for praying me through this week as it was very difficult at times. 

My family is now experiencing another trial. My dad was admitted to the hospital last week and on my surgery day we received the news that my dad has esophageal cancer. He went to Johns Hopkins on Friday, Jan. 31st, to determine his best course of treatment. It was hard to wake up in the NCCU and receive more difficult news.  As their daughter, there is so much I want to do to help but I am unable to. So I pray. Even though I have not been able to see them, I have been able to talk to them on the phone which has been helpful. The one thing my dad said to me was " Well Erin, you don't need to walk this road alone. I can walk it with you." My dad encouraged me more than he knew in saying that to me. 

My entire life, I have struggled with remaining in The Lord's peace and trusting in Him alone. I grew up in church and accepted Christ when I was four years old. Over the years, I grew in my faith and relationship with Jesus and I am so very thankful that I was taught the Truth at a young age and that I have that strong foundation. Without it I'm not sure where I would be. There were times in my life where I have tried to live the way I want, thinking I know best and trying in all my own strength to be who I wanted to be, to be who I thought I should be. At times, I would find myself far away from God, my source of hope. The Hope, that I had always had and needed  but would sometimes greatly ignore. I was the one who would change but My God was always constant. He was always right there waiting for me to come back to Him and say "I'm done doing this on my own. Please, forgive me and show me the way."  I'm so thankful for His grace and love. That He alone is the Way, The Truth, and the Life. 

“For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. (John 3:16, 17 NLT) 

“Do not worry.” My dear, sweet, Nan-nan has been telling me this my entire life. It has always been my greatest struggle. At times in my life my worry has been crippling and would completely hinder me. Throughout my life,  Nan-nan has encouraged me with this scripture and prayed it over me: 

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6, 7 NLT) 

Recently, we were talking about how amazing it has been that I have found that peace that passes understanding. I'm so thankful she never gave up on me. Consistently telling me, gently reminding me this important truth because I needed to know it. The peace that passes understanding. In the middle of the night, I told my nurse in the NCCU, that without my faith I would not be able to do this. Jesus never left my side. His presence is amazing to me. It is difficult to put into words but I just knew I wasn't alone. My spirit was at peace. There was no need to worry. 

As I laid on the table, before my surgery, they said to find a good place to dream. My place is not a dream but a reality that I have not yet experienced but I will. I thought of Heaven and as I closed my eyes, I was sitting in a beautiful, radiant light, warmth on my face. No pain, no fears, I was sitting at the feet of Jesus and In His presence was Peace. 

We have met some amazing people on this journey. Kevin and Chrissy have been especially, special to me. We met during treatment and kept in contact throughout the year. On Tuesday morning, Kevin went home to be with The Lord. He is now free of pain and completely healed. He is with Jesus and I can only imagine what he is experiencing.  I was overcome with the peace and joy that Kevin is experiencing and I am so thankful for the Hope of Heaven. 

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” (Revelation 21:4 NLT) 

What a beautiful promise!

I refuse to be shaken from my faith in The Lord Jesus Christ. While new and difficult trials keep coming, my feet are firmly planted on a solid foundation. 

He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge. (Psalms 62:6, 8 NLT) 

I will not lose my hope. I know that this life is short and the most important thing is whether you know and accept to follow Jesus. Whether you will choose to accept his free gift of grace. He died for me and he died for you because he loves us so much! He wants us to know Him and come to him. Without Christ I would be nothing and I would be unable to walk this road. My purpose is found in Him alone. While some may think why should I follow God if I'm not guaranteed a good life? I do not ask this. We know this life is short compared to all of eternity. We know this world is full of pain and sorrow. We see it everywhere. What we do now matters. The choices we make here have great significance. Eternal significance. He is waiting for you to give your life over to Him. Just ask Him to help you. He will answer you because of His great mercy and love. Then as you walk the path set before you, you can walk with peace and confident trust as you walk hand and hand with Jesus, who will never leave your side. 

Take Heart

On January 18 it was a year since we found out I had a mass in my brain. At the time we had no idea what that would mean or what the path would be like. In some ways it is difficult because a year later we are in the  same place, looking into a new year without knowing what is before us. I did hear from my Medical Oncologist last weekend because he wanted to see how I was doing. I am truly thankful for the care and compassion we receive from my Medical team. 

Since writing the above we have met with my surgeon and I have been scheduled for another brain biopsy surgery on Monday, January 27th to determine what we are seeing in this new area. We have spent the past couple of days preparing for the surgery. Honestly, I do not want to do this again. However, I cannot effectively be treated without knowing what is going on and waiting it out and delaying surgery isn't the best option either. This time I know what to expect which in some ways makes it easier but more difficult at the same time. I'm thankful to know this surgery will not be as long or as deep as the first. I will have an MRI before the surgery and if there is improvement from the steroid treatment and they can determine the symptoms I am experiencing are treatment related they will cancel the surgery. I told Josh at the beginning of the year that I did not want to do another surgery but then I felt as if God was preparing my heart. Gently reminding me to trust Him even if it is not the path I want. Here I am on the path I do not  want to be on but how thankful I am for the peace I am experiencing. I am not walking this path alone and I am not afraid. This verse has been brought to my attention several times this week: 

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NLT)

Hopefully, this encourages you as much as it does me. 

Many Blessings to you all and thank you for continuing to pray. This is difficult for the whole family and your compassion and support is a gift to us. 

MRI Update

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words, prayers, and support. Today was not an easy day. After my MRI we met with my medical oncologist to discuss the scans. The scans did show some things that need to be addressed. It looks as if there is a significant increase in swelling  more towards the front of the brain where my motor skills would be effected. This is probably why I so quickly lost the use of my left arm and hand. It also looks like this is pushing on the center line of my brain.  He checked the strength of my hand and arm and because I was unable to release his hand or raise my arm, I was sent upstairs for a 20mg IV of Steroids to give me a boost in reducing the swelling. I will begin a high dose of steroids at home and hope to see improvement over the next several days. He said it is not unusual to see a reoccurrence of radiation side effects 8 months later and he said sometimes they can show up even later. However, the enhancement from my last scan that was in the treatment field looks as if it is increasing in size at this time. He thinks I have both an increase in swelling and growth of tumor. Therefore, my scans will be discussed with my neurology team, including my surgeon, and radiation oncologist. From there they will recommend which course of action would be the best for me at this time. Hopefully, we will have more information by tomorrow. He did say that it was good that I called right away and came this week to be evaluated. Josh and I are doing okay.  It was obviously difficult to hear but because of how quickly things changed We were somewhat prepared for it. I will update again as soon as possible. Blessings and love to you all! 

Follow Me

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it. (Mark 8:34, 35 NLT)

I am awake again in the middle of the night due to being back on steroids. In the past week, I have very quickly lost most of the function I had regained on my left side. I have an MRI scheduled for this Thursday the 16th at Hopkins and I will meet with my doctor to discuss the scans. Honestly, I'm tired. It has been a physically frustrating and emotionally exhausting week and year.. I'm tired of living this way. I cry out to God because I so desperately want to hear his voice but even in the silence I know he is there. He reveals himself in other ways.  The words "Follow Me" are impressed on my heart. Yes, I will continue to follow despite my doubts and fears. Jesus calls us all and sometimes the journey we are on may not seem fair and can be extremely difficult. We must make a choice. For me, I must continue to trust in Jesus the one who gives us Truth and Grace. Without those things I would be lost.  Recently, we have been doing the Study, Follow by Andy Stanley. The one thing that comforted me was how Jesus calls us to Follow despite where we are. His own disciples followed him before they really knew him and despite their doubts and fears, they continued to follow him.  He understood and did not turn them away, he loved them, taught them, encouraged them, and continued to meet them right where they were without judgement but compassion. I'm thankful for that because this journey has been just as much a spiritual one as a physical one. Without The Lord this journey would be impossible to bear. In him I continue to find strength. Many times I think we expect God to do things our way before we are willing to Follow Him. First, Jesus asks us to Follow and throughout the journey he reveals himself to us if we are open to him. I'm holding on so tightly to this life but I need to let go. Not that I'm giving up but  there is nothing I can do but accept God's will no matter what that might be and continue on until I'm in His glorious presence where I can no longer lose my life. I find myself longing for that. There I will be complete and whole. There the uncertainty will be gone. The pain will be gone and I can rest. 

Worth It All
Meredith Andrews

All I am Lord here before You
Reaching out for more
You're the promise never failing
You are my reward,
Jesus, You are my reward

I let go of all I have just to have all of You
And no matter what the cost I will follow You
Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You
When I finally reach the end I'll say
You are worth it all

There's no riches or earthly treasure
That will satisfy
Every longing is for You Jesus
Set this heart on fire
Oh, set this heart on fire

I let go of all I have just to have all of You
And no matter what the cost I will follow You
Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You
When I finally reach the end I'll say
You are worth it all
You are worth it all

When I'm there in Your glorious presence
Every knee is bowed before You
Hear the sound of heaven singing
You are worth it all
All the saints cry holy holy
Angels singing worthy worthy
Forever I will shout Your praises
You are worth it all

When I'm there in Your glorious presence
Every knee is bowed before You
Hear the sound of heaven singing
You are worth it all
All the saints cry holy holy
Angels singing worthy worthy
Forever I will shout Your praises
You are worth it all
You are worth it all

I let go of all I have just to have all of You
And no matter what the cost I will follow You
Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You
When I finally reach the end I'll say

I let go of all I have just to have all of You
And no matter what the cost I will follow You
Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You
When I finally reach the end I'll say
You are worth it all
You are worth it all
You are worth it all
Jesus you are worth it all

Stay The Course

"Can you stay the course?" This is the question my doctor asked me right before Christmas. At my last MRI, the radiology report was not available when I met with my doctor. My scans looked good in that the tumor is smaller. However, there was a new enhancement in the scan that he pointed out to us but was not overly concerned about after discussing it with one of my other doctors. Therefore, he concluded I should continue on and do my next MRI in February. Several days later, I received a copy of my radiology report which is always written carefully and in detail with all possible outcomes. In the conclusion of the report, it was stated that the enhancement most likely reflects progression of the disease. When I read that I cried. After discussing the report with Josh, we agreed that I should email my doctor. I spent some time praying and reading and this verse encouraged me and gave me the peace I needed.

You are my refuge and my shield; your word is my source of hope. (Psalms 119:114 NLT)

My doctor called me later that morning and said that the conclusion was referring to the enhancement we discussed at his office. He also informed me that he discussed my scans with the review board and they all were in agreement that I should stay the course because it is within the area that has been treated. So when asked, "Can you stay the course?" I confidently replied, "Yes, I can stay the course." I know I can do this because it is not in my strength that I am relying. I am certain that I can trust The Lord to help me.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. (Hebrews 12:1, 2 NLT)

I can honestly say this has been the most difficult year of my life. It has also been a year where I have experienced a peace I have always longed for, but had never experienced. This year, I experienced great heartache and pain but I have also experienced great joy and comfort. Through this year, God has used my journey of cancer for greater things. I am thankful that even in our darkest times he can still use us and give us a purpose. I have been quite overwhelmed this month as I think about how much this year has been difficult but also full of blessings. Only a God who loves us so much can take our pain from this imperfect world and turn it into something good. Only the One True God loves us so much that He sent His Son into the world to save us. To meet us right where we are. I think Christmas meant so much more to me this year because of the hope that sustained me this past year. This hope is from God coming down to earth so that we could know Him and be saved through His grace. I do not know what the coming year holds but I do know I can trust in God who is already there. He has a plan and a purpose and He knows the path I will walk. I am confident that I will not walk it alone. 

Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you. (Psalms 25:4, 5 NLT)

The Barn

On a beautiful day, a year ago in December, I took Lucas, Addy, and Kierstyn to The Springfield Barn in Williamsport. It was sunny and warm and we spent the day looking at the Christmas trees, playing in the park, taking a horse drawn wagon ride, and eating snacks and drinking hot chocolate. I remember sitting at the picnic table and looking out at the football field and the school behind it, remembering days from my past and sharing the memories with my kids. It was such a beautiful day that none of us wanted to leave and so we took our time and enjoyed it. Before leaving I sat in the car feeding the baby and watched Lucas and Addy run through the field and roll down the hill by the pavilion. It almost sounds like a story but that day was a gift and I am truly thankful for it. That was the last day I spent taking my kids on an outing by myself. We had no idea that soon after the new year began that I would be diagnosed with brain cancer.

When my treatment began our family, friends, and community began supporting us in so many ways. It has been overwhelming to know how much we are cared for. One day, my sister in law called me and said they wanted to do a 5K in December at The Springfield Barn. We both started to cry as I told her about the day I spent there with the kids. At the time, December was a long way off and I wasn't sure of how or where I would be by then. However, this past weekend on a very cold and windy day I went to the 5K and was thankful I could be there. It is hard to express how I felt to see so many people from different aspects of my life there. This year has been a very humbling experience. Please know that while I am not able to talk with or see each one of you, I am truly grateful. You have made difficult days easier and your acts of kindness mean more to us than you'll know.  

Recently, there seems to be so many people facing heartbreaking situations. My heart has been heavy and the tears have flowed freely. Sometimes all I feel is sadness. Sometimes I forget my hope. In the past couple of weeks my cancer has been more apparent. Not that I ever forget about it but I try to not let it consume me and live life as fully as possible. I felt myself becoming more anxious about my upcoming MRI on Thursday, December 12th. Even though my scans looked very good in October this cancer can come back quickly and aggressively. As I prayed, I felt The Lord gently reminding me to remain in the present and not to focus on the unknown. I read a verse that gave me a lot of comfort.

I am counting on the Lord; yes, I am counting on him. I have put my hope in his word. (Psalms 130:5 NLT)

In Him again I found peace, a peace I do not understand and the hope that I desperately need. As we all face difficult times, I hope that you can be encouraged to know that you can count on The Lord in all things.

Trust and Thankfulness

I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord : “Please, Lord, save me!” How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord’s presence as I live here on earth! (Psalms 116:1-9 NLT)

After my MRI in August, these were the verses that brought me comfort. The Lord has been faithful and has answered our prayers. When we go to the hospital for my scans and appointments, we hope for the best but we are also prepared for whatever we might hear. We have been trusting in God's plan for us. We can give praise to our Almighty God because my scans looked really good! The swelling has improved and the tumor is smaller. I am to take my last round of chemo starting on Tuesday and will then be finished with treatment. The treatment I have been doing is based off of research that shows the radiation and chemo together is the best way to treat the tumor. The additional six months of chemo was a part of the research so that is why they do that also. Some hospitals will do 12 months of chemo but Hopkins does 6 because they don't want me doing more treatment, when it hasn't been proven effective. It would also increase the risk to my bone marrow and immune system. It also gives us the option to do chemo later if cells would start to grow again. Every cell has to be killed or at some point the tumor could start growing again. There is no way of knowing if all the cells are dead and I will always have part of this in my brain even if it is only dead tissue. It is much like a scar that you would receive from any surgery. This coming month, I will also be finished with more of the medications I've been taking and taper off the steroids completely. I will also be finished with my weekly labs because I won't be taking anymore chemo and my levels have been good throughout treatment.  They will continue to monitor the tumor and I go back December 12 for another MRI and follow up appointment. I am still tired and I still have not regained full feeling and use of my left side but I'm hoping that will continue to improve. 

It is hard to describe my thoughts and feelings. The past ten months have been full of uncertainty and treatment. It has been painful and sad at times. Now I find myself at the end of treatment and I am so thankful to be done but I am also aware of the uncertainty of my situation. I'm in awe of how God has brought us through each step of the journey and I know that we can continue to trust Him with every day. His goodness and love is unending and I know He will continue to give us strength. The night before my scan it is always difficult for the kids but they pray wholeheartedly and with the faith that God can do anything. Lucas wrote me a short note that night which said, "Mom I have a feeling that God is about to heal you. I hope, no, I'm sure that tomorrow you will be better." Childlike faith, faith that trusts and hopes without doubts. When we told the kids the results of my scans, Addy cried and Lucas said smiling, "It's what God told me last night when I was praying." This year we all have been learning and growing in our faith. Even though we don't always understand why we go through things like this, the why doesn't really matter. None of us are exempt from the trials and pain of an imperfect world. However, we can be encouraged to know that we are strengthened and never alone when we choose to walk in the Lord's presence here on earth! 

When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:14-21 NLT)